The Student News Site of Marlborough School

The UltraViolet

Marlborough School Student Newspaper
The Student News Site of Marlborough School

The UltraViolet

The Student News Site of Marlborough School

The UltraViolet

Lizze Small Contributing Illustrator
How to help our Earth
April 12, 2024

What Would You Do for a Klondike Bar?

Photo by Flickr user VG Media Inc
Photo by Flickr user VG Media Inc.

As I sat around earlier today pondering the meaning of life and other existential questions– specifically, Who am I?, Where do I come from?, What does it all mean? (Internal monologue script erroneously credited to Heathers, where most good things originate), I stumbled across a new quandary, one that has induced more literal head-scratching, figurative beard-tugging, and proverbial floating question marks than any before:

                “What food wouldn’t I eat if paid to eat it?”

To clarify, this is not a question of how bribable I am, though in case anybody is wondering, the answer is very. What, you didn’t like that last sentence? Gimme $10, I’ll see what I can do about it.

No, this philosophical conundrum really comes down to how tough my stomach is and how calm/collected/immune my taste buds are. Let’s leap into the nitty gritty of this puzzle.

Rule 1 (which implies that I’m making a list, which I’m not, it’s actually just one rule, aren’t you sad I got you all jazzed up for a listicle?): I’m a vegetarian. Sorry to be such a Grade A Brentwood gal, but them’s the breaks. Fun fact, I used to call people who eat meat barbarians. I really just thought that that’s what they were called. Clearly an example of excellent private pre-school education at its finest. Funnier still is that my mom, who’s also a vegetarian, quietly but aggressively encouraged me to keep this term in my vocab.

So here’s what I can come up with that I would in fact put on my tongue(wait, I am making a list! You will not leave this page without thoroughly slaking your thirst for a multi-numbered, cutely bullet-pointed specimen of journalism):

©       Belly button lint

©       Pee (and let’s not quibble over whether you can technically “eat” pee or not)

©       The legendary Mad Dog Hot Sauce.

©       A jar of toothpicks.

©       My great aunt’s radish dip. If you knew my great aunt and her cooking, this bullet point would be        one hell of a throwdown.

©       A Patatje Oorlog which is… I don’t know. Something weird.

©       My own tears (produced after an AP Physics B assessment)

You think you can do better? Comment below.

Leave a Comment
Donate to The UltraViolet

Your donation will support the student journalists of Marlborough School. Your contribution will allow us to purchase equipment and cover our annual website hosting costs.

More to Discover
Donate to The UltraViolet

Comments (0)

All The UltraViolet Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *