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Marlborough School Student Newspaper
The Student News Site of Marlborough School

The UltraViolet

The Student News Site of Marlborough School

The UltraViolet

Lizze Small Contributing Illustrator
How to help our Earth
April 12, 2024

How to: Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Always be prepared. Always. Photo by Flickr user Annie Mole.
Always be prepared. Always. Photo by Flickr user Annie Mole.

Listen up, ladies. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but someday the Zombie Apocalypse will come. And when that day comes, you will leave hunger pangs to the unprepared. Here, I present the Top Ten Snacks for the Busy Zombie Hunter:

 

1) Bottled Water

If you’re on the run from your bloodthirsty neighbors, it’s going to be a while until you find a safe source of natural water. Keep at least a month’s supply on hand and hidden throughout Los Angeles. (Evian is recommended)

 

2) Cereals/Cereal Bars

Light, filling, non-perishable — what more could the post-apocalyptic girl want?

 

3) Nuts, Peanut Butter, Trail Mix, etc.

These nut-based foods are rich in flavor and in protein. They make an excellent traveling snack as you can stretch your food supply out over several hours. Plus, they’re low in carbs! Fleeing the cannibalistic undead is no excuse for getting out of shape.

 

4) Canned Tuna

Luckily for the refugee, zombies don’t have a sense of smell, so nutrient-rich and storable canned tuna becomes a valuable asset. The tuna is ready-to-eat and disturbingly non-perishable (just don’t forget to pack a can opener). Throw it over some rice and voila! Sushi!

 

5) Dried Fruit

While trying to stockpile fresh fruit is unrealistic, dried fruit lasts much longer and takes up much less space. Vitamin deficiency should never be taken lightly.

 

6) Beef Jerky

Beef Jerky has lots of protein while remaining portable. It also makes great food for that dog that you will for some reason adopt even though it slows you down.

 

7) Canned Beans

Ready to eat, easily storable and high in fiber, beans are truly the magical fruit. Not to mention, cans are sharp and could make great projectiles or intimidating fences.

 

8) Pasta

You might write off this source of whole grains because of the amount of water needed to prepare it, but as long as you don’t mind your water tasting a little cloudy,  pasta can be an efficient use of energy. Once you find your source of natural water, you have to boil away bacteria anyway, so you might as well pop some macaroni in there and make a meal of it.

 

9) Canned Soups and Chili

Canned soup or chili is easy to obtain and comes in several different flavors. Start stockpiling these before CNN reports on the suspicious new cancer drug, since they are the obvious go-to zombie survival food and foolish civilians will storm the grocery stores when it’s too late.

 

10) Neosporin/Antiseptic

Neosporin isn’t exactly food, but it’s just as important. Dying from an infected scraped knee in the middle of the apocalypse is undignified.

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