My friends like to tell me that I’m not fun. Their reasons include things like this: I go to bed at 8:30, I like waking up early, I love Sylvia Plath, I listen to the classical music radio station, I’m obsessed with Jane Eyre etc. You may be reading that and thinking, “Wow—she really doesn’t sound fun. At all.” But I’m here to share with everybody the reasons why I am the most fun.

Because I go to bed super early, I’m always well-rested and around to go get coffee with you at seven in the morning. It’s true that if you text or call me past nine p.m., I won’t respond until the next day, but I’ll be so cheerful when I do answer you that it’ll be worth it.

I always repeat my Halloween costumes, which may make it seem like I don’t care enough to think of a new idea, but, in truth, dressing up as Groucho Marx is a truly unbeatable costume and a favorite with all the neighborhood parents even though I am always mistaken for Charlie Chaplin.

I am always willing to take a walk with you even if it’s pouring rain.

I am always ready to recommend coffee shops to anyone who asks. In addition to the coffee itself, I can tell you whether or not you’ll have to parallel park, allowing you to prepare yourself in advance.

If you ever need to borrow a turtleneck, I can lend you one in five different colors. And, when you’ve decided upon a turtleneck of choice, I’d be more than happy to lend you a matching scarf.

I am very informed about what time the traffic is really terrible on the freeway. If we’re hanging out on a Friday night and you suggest that we go to West Hollywood for dinner, I will say, “absolutely not!” While this may come off as cross, I’m really just saving you from yourself.

I haven’t grown since eighth grade, which was four years ago, so many of my jackets and shoes probably won’t fit you, but they will fit your younger sister! And, because I’m so short, I sit very close to the wheel when I drive, and you will have lots of leg room if you sit behind me in the car.

Yes, it’s true that I’m not a fan of Spirit Week but that’s really just because I am terrible at dancing and would much rather be doing things like eating my lunch with my friends, which is an undeniably fun and well-rounded experience.