As the dismally depicted parents of Lilia ’15, we would like to set the record straight with regards to some factual inaccuracies in her piece, “The Harmful Effects of Parent-noia,” found in the April 16 issue of the UltraViolet. We are her mothers, and we must have the last words. We must have many of them.
First of all, the presentation of us to the world as a single individual was inaccurate. While Ms. A-A (as Lilia is now referred to in our home out of professional courtesy) at times refers to us as “my parents” in her article, she then mentions “my mother,” as if we were simply one unified, quaking mass of blubbering maternal anxiety, when, in truth, there are two of us! Yes, two! Ain’t she lucky?
Second, Lilia’s mother does not have 57 Facebook friends, as was stated in the article. A profound discrepancy here. She has 213, and many of those happen to be unpaid. Are there no fact checkers at the UltraViolet? Ms. A-A also left out that her mother has 7 Instagram followers and that she follows 14. We think that piece of information rather solidly refutes the portrayal of her “mother” as a hapless 20th century dino-egg, rather than the cool and groovy gal she really is.
As for the remarkably fictional tale of the photograph taken of Lilia by her “mother” upon her maiden voyage in the car (which was, in actuality, not to volleyball practice, but to the mall, where she proceeded to become hopelessly lost in the parking garage and phoned home) anyone who knows that “mother,” knows that, if she were pointing the camera at Lilia (which is highly unlikely since she never has a camera at important life moments), she would most likely be taking a picture of the car, or her foot.
Lastly, we really can’t conceive why Lilia claims to have become so paranoid from a true pearl of wisdom handed down from a now dearly departed Nana: check the rearview mirror every once in a while for weirdos following you home. Really, what could be more simple or practical? This mother sees no harm in looking under the bed for creeps and has done so since she was 5 years old. And guess what? It works, because there’s never one there!
And by the way, she’s really only 5’6 ½.
Sincerely,
Laurie Aronoff and Nancy Aspaturian
“Parents”
