Not to peer pressure you into anything, but all the cool kids are eating kale. In case you don’t know what kale is, it’s a green (or purple) leafy, wrinkly form of cabbage that everyone and her mother is obsessed with. The benefits of eating kale are twofold: one, it is a superfood, meaning it’s incredibly healthy and will probably cure cancer or at least measles someday, and two, you get to be a part of the elite kale-eaters who pity those lesser fools who spend their time eating normal food.

Not to make you feel bad about that grilled cheese sandwich you had for lunch, but I ate an industrial-sized bucket of kale and it was only .002 calories. Also I have perfect eyesight and can count to at least one hundred and three, and both of those are direct results of my excessive kale consumption.

Kale is delicious sautéed or baked at 300˚ F for 20 minutes with some olive oil and Parmesan cheese, but I say if you’re not eating it raw you’re a kale-ure. The only problem with raw kale is that it’s a bit tough, so you have to massage it (no, really, massage it) before you make a salad. I think you should treat your kale the way you would want to be treated, so if you think a nice hour-long massage would be nice that’s how long you should massage your kale.  Remember: a relaxed kale is a yummy kale.

Finally, I would like to inform you all that should you find kale too kale-y, you can always try the ominous-looking, bright green, kale juice. It delivers the same benefits as eating kale, with none of that pesky little thing called “chewing” involved.