I am a teenage girl; therefore I have, at one point or another, tried a crazy diet or two (or three… or ten… I may have lost count….). In my efforts to slim down and tone up, I have taken some fairly extravagant measures. With all the crap they offer in Café M — not to say that it’s not delicious, my thighs will tell you otherwise — it’s no wonder I’ve experienced a few moments of sheer panic. What genius thought to put bikini season after finals?

I figured I would share with you a few of my experiences from the dieting trail. Here are all of the big ol’ Don’ts I have discovered over the years:

1. Under no circumstance should you attempt the Blood Type diet. I can safely say it’s bogus (though this may be because I never actually bothered to learn my blood type; I’m petrified by even the thought of a needle)

2. Le Forking is just a lie. How many foods honestly fit on the tip of your fork? I’ll tell you how many: zero. I ate grapes for about two days before I caved and got a burger. And you know what I did with that burger? I ate it—with both of my hands. Yummy.

3. Diet. Pills. Do. Not. Work. If you’re considering them, cease and desist.

4. Anything that promises to let you drop 10 pounds in 10 days (and keep it off!) believes that you are a sucker. Since I have attempted these on numerous occasions, I am obviously a sucker. But you shouldn’t be, because now you have heard my sage wisdom: don’t believe the ads.

5. Diets that require props (blue sunglasses, diet dinnerwear, or other miscellaneous items) are tedious; carrying around all of that crap in one little purse is strenuous, and diets aren’t supposed to be strenuous, right?

In all seriousness, though, if you’re trying to slim down, the best way to do so is by eating more fruits and vegetables and exercising regularly — even if Kim Kardashian tells you otherwise in those Nutrisystem ads.