Column by Jewels ’11

As I moseyed out of Caswell Hall after a smashingly coordinated All-School Meeting (if I do say so myself), I overheard, among the lively and enthusiastic chatter, groans of “I don’t know what I’m going to do if we have another environmental assembly!”

I wasn’t particularly shocked, as I had heard (and spoken) such sentiments before. At first listen, these complaints sounded a little bratty, but after some deep reflection, I found there was some sense to them. We’ve all heard it before: the danger of burning fossil fuels, the greenhouse gas cycle, etc. Worse yet, the constant push to “go green” is often ignored by the very adults who tell us to do so, leaving us wondering, “We just want to live our lives… who made us the clean up crew?”

However, every generation is faced with a challenge, and this one is ours.

As an active voice on campus, I feel it is my duty (and privilege, no less) to give you all some Jewels Haskell (nom om om om) flavored ways to go green this school year. These methods will leave you like a puppy in an expansive meadow of table scraps, frolicking back for more.

1. Drive a re-used cardboard box to school. Classy, vintage (Flintstones, anyone?) and easy to decorate, this new wave of vehicle will bring all the eco-friendly boys slobbering to your yard. I’m sure security would be thrilled, considering this car doesn’t even require keys to be left in it, and they would be more than willing to tape one of those parking passes to its deliciously corroded side.

2. Drink blood. There’s no better way to get our city through a drought than to cease water consumption, and there’s no better way to cease water consumption than to become a vampire. Plus, considering their undead disposition, those dark, shadowy creatures don’t have time for a massive carbon footprint; they’re much too busy torturing each other with their abominably good looks.

3. Take nanosecond showers in total blackness. I said it before, I’ll say it again: nothing gets the creative mind revving more than the sound of dripping water in a void. It’s creepy, it’s fun, and it’s great for the planet. See what kind of poetry you can write in there.

4. Become a bard. Milton did it and so can you; stop killing trees with those pesky reams of paper, gouge your eyes out Oedipus-style, and learn everything by heart. That way, you’ve got street cred, mad literary skillz, and there’s a possibility that Dr. Banner will quote you in class.

As you can see, there are myriad ways to become a greener citizen, most of them involving serious physical pain and destruction. If you’ve got any questions about how to accomplish these goals, you can come find me, and we can all work on making it happen together. LEED Silver Standard? Let’s raise the bar, ladies, and aim for Platinum.