As we return to School, I’m reflecting upon what I would change in previous years if I had a time machine. The answer is quite clear: I would not have told the College Board that colleges could email me when I took the PSAT. Yes, more than the late-nights pulled for a neglected AP Bio Lab, the ten-minute run to Larchmont for coffee and back before Advisory, and the mornings cramming French Vocabulary, my one regret is giving the colleges my e-mail and permission to harass me as much as they would like.

Apparently, I am perfect college material (Who would have thunk it?) because ever since that fateful day last fall when I ignored the advice of my older, and possibly wiser, friends and so naïvely filled the bubble giving the colleges permission to fill my inbox to the brim, my phone has been buzzing so constantly with new e-mails that drain the battery before lunch.

Ping: “Take a tour at Awesome University!”

Ping: “Find yourself at University of Smarticles!”

Ping: “We have a gift for you!”

Some of the emails mention my name every other word. “Hello, Tess. Here at our school, you, yes you, Tess, can find yourself a community of people just like you. We love diversity, Tess. We are an awesome school, Tess. Look at how we know your name, Tess!”

A few email subjects have been extremely creative, horribly desperate, or just plain bizarre. Here are a few of my favorite recruiting emails:

• OMG, One more email from us!
• Tess, please read
• Less traffic means more time to enjoy our college town!
• Purple cows, and really good times
• Last chance to confirm V.I.P Status!
• You’ve created quite the buzz, Tess
• Tess?
• Tess, I’m sorry…
• Do you still use this email?
• I need to get in touch with you!
• Are you there, Tess???
• We promise, this one is cool

and, last but not least:

• Your furry friend wants you to visit our university!