By Jewels ’11

In the beginning, the College Board created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Ivies was hovering over the face of the waters.

And the College Board said, “Let there be Common App,” and there was Common App. And Marlborough saw that the Common App was good. And the College Board separated the Common App from the Lesser Apps and Also Georgetown Who Refuses to Accept the Existence of the Internet. And there was evening and there was morning, and it was the first day.

And the College Board said, “Let there be an expanse in the midst of the Students, and let it separate the Students from the Students.” And the College Board made the expanse and separated the Students that were under the expanse from the Students that were above the expanse. And it was so. And College Board called the expanse Financial Aide. And there was evening and there was morning, the second day.

And the College Board said, “Let the Students under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let The Counselors appear.” And it was so. And Heeter appeared with a divine flash in a monogrammed button down, and DePriest appeared with her moisturizing voice and coiffure. And Marlborough saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.

And the College Board said, “Let there be Ranks in the expanse of the Colleges to separate the Victors from the Total Freaking Losers Who Will Never Be Successful. And let them be for Yale and for Harvard, and for Penn and Princeton. And Marlborough saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.

And the College Board said, “Let the Minds of the Students swarm with swarms of neurotic creatures, and let psychoses fly above the temporal lobe and across the expanse of the corpus callosum.” So the College Board created dark chocolate and pound cake and family therapy. And Marlborough saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.

And the College Board said, “Let the High Schools bring forth Competent Students according to their Ranks—A Receiving and B Receiving and…A minus Receiving Beasts of the Earth according to their Ranks.” And it was so. And Marlborough saw that it was good.

So the College Board created Students in its own image, in the image of the College Board they created him.

And the College Board blessed them. And the College Board said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth, oh Holy Cardboard-Belt-Skirted Brainwashed Ones.” And the College Board saw everything that it had made. And Marlborough saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

And Jewels spent the seventh day wondering why it was all so good.