In the middle of this raging flu season, it is up to everyone at Marlborough, both students and faculty, to take the offensive and prevent even more gross sickness. Being sick sucks, even when you do spend the whole day rewatching Gossip Girl and drinking excess amounts of chamomile tea. We get some mixed messages about being sick at Marlborough — teachers and other students tell you to stay home until you are completely not contagious, but there also seems to be a subliminal message that only weak kids get sick, you punks. Nut up or shut up. I’m not trying to compare Marlborough to an army boot camp, but if I were, you would all agree with me. Right, soldiers?

So, here are a couple of tips when you get sick, to prevent general awfulness for yourself and others.

1. Stay home.

I’m not saying this in a “stay home, but really come to School,” kind of way. I mean it: do not come near me with your germy, wheezing mouth and your infected limbs. I will throw Purell at you shouting, “Melt, witch, melt!” By coming to School sick, you are not only risking your health, you’re risking the health of your peers. And though I admire the cunning use of biological warfare to take out your competition, it’s not a very good thing of you to do. Anyways, just stay home.

2. Prevention is awesome

In my world, where people do not object to the joys of modern health care, there are these things called flu shots. And even as someone with a severe, paralyzing fear of needles, I know the little devils work. Get a shot. Now would be a good time, because the flu wave that’s been gradually moving West is about to strike. Imagine an enormous, swirling cloud of germs coming to get you. This is the apocalypse, and you want to live, damn it! Prepare accordingly. Also, go to sleep at a reasonable hour– that means earlier than 1 a.m. Your body will thank you for it.

3. Get warm

Recently, it’s been colder than Yakutsk (the coldest city on Earth). When it’s cold, it is your job to stay warm with ugly, holey sweatpants and fluffy blankets in a unicorn print. This may seem like common sense, but then again, sense is not Marlborough’s strong suit. Basically, the colder you are, the lower your immune system. So bundle up, my little icicles.

This all feels very obvious, but since I’ve seen several girls with rivers flowing from their noses this week alone, it is clearly not all that obvious. Please, for my health– and I guess yours too, but mostly just mine– don’t get sick.