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It‘s ClemenTime: lessons from embarrassing moments

graphic by Noah '16
graphic by Noah ’16

In my 17 years of life I have certainly made my fair share of mistakes. Some of my mistakes could have easily been avoided and some were wildly surprising, but I’m here to share my past blunders with you all in hopes that you will not repeat my errors. If you follow these 12 simple rules, you won’t be forced to tote around a slew of embarrassing
1. Brush your hair. I neglected to brush my hair for most of elementary school and ended up cutting it off because it was such a drag. If you do cut your hair, prepare to be directed to boys’ bathrooms for many years.
2. When you go on a date, don’t drop a picture of one of your teachers out of your wallet and onto the floor.
3. Practice parking when you learn to drive, so you don’t hit your car on a concrete pole 14 hours after getting your license. Also, while we’re in the realm of automobiles, try not to hit any crows, curbs or trashcans.
4. Study for that math test––even if you think you know what’s happening.
5. Don’t use tools that are rusty and could potentially snap in half and cut your arm open. And, if you do cut your arm open, be calm. Whatever you do, don’t run around screaming, “Someone, help me. I’m bleeding to death!”
6. Buy a prep book for the APUSH exam. Don’t just borrow Mr. Rindge’s book two days in advance and hope for the best.
7. Don’t bring your purse to picnics and, if you ignore my first bit of advice, make sure there is no possible way you could drop the entire contents of your sandwich onto it.
8. Don’t wear a pair of tights with a broken elastic waistband to a fancy dinner unless you want your tights to fall down in the middle of the first course. However, if this does happen, remove your tights quietly under the table, put them in your pocket and go to the bathroom to fix yourself.
9. If you feel like you might faint, sit down and don’t faint in the middle of the farmer’s market.
10. Don’t go see Pulp Fiction on your first date unless you want to die cringing as soon as the words: “Bring out the Gimp” are
11. Learn the lyrics to your class song, even if you don’t want to, so you don’t look stupid at every school event.
12. Participate in English class. Just do it.
Please remember this advice and enjoy a life free of running over crows, destroying your nice clothes and accessories and fainting in