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A Guide For When Marlbz is Simply Too Much


We all have those weeks when it feels like the all-school test calendar may as well be a post-it on the bottom of a trashcan, because it seems so utterly useless. You have: an AP World slideshow, a Calc test and a list of 25 potential colleges due to the College Counselors by 3 PM.

One day, it just got to be too much, so I went in search of some solutions:

1) Hire an assassin: Everything is online now, so take a gander at some Websites that boast different assassins, including John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald. Don’t worry, you don’t need to borrow your dad’s credit card to pay—most Websites accept payments in BitCoin! Don’t spend too long on the Websites, though, because the next time you visit WordReference (since you have that Spanish quiz, too), you’ll see ads for mail-order Russian brides, the hiring of which would really upset Benson and Amaro (Law and Order SVU dream team!).

2) Create an infallible set-up: First, buy a huge box of poppy-seed bagels from Sam’s on Larchmont. Using throw-away and burnable plastic gloves, plant it in your teacher’s desk. The next step is to bring in a K-9 unit that will sniff out the poppy seeds as an opiate (maybe? hopefully?), and next thing you know, your test is extended to the next day. If you take it a step further and sabotage the whole department, you might get an entire week!

3) If you’re not into the illegal lifestyle, there’s always another option: Buy bags and bags and bags of Powerberries, and snuggle into your bed for a night of Netflix binging. You’re welcome.