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Reading Tips for those Non-Readers

Photo by flikr user Abee5
Photo by flikr user Abee5

I have not read a full newspaper article since August. I have not read a book cover to cover since May. I have not flipped through one magazine that didn’t have a celebrity on the front cover since at least 2011. Call me lazy and uncultured, but in those last few minutes before I go to bed, I want to watch a stupid cat video on my phone, not read the Asia section of The Economist. So, if you’re like me, you might want to check out this list I’ve compiled of what you need to read on a weekly basis in order to seem as educated and well-read as possible in the least amount of time.

1. The New York Times: Not a whole article, of course, and certainly not the whole paper! Get the app on your phone, check the headlines periodically, and when a big story breaks out, feel free to interrupt your class in order to announce the recent developments. When your teacher asks you to pipe down and stop interrupting, just say, “It’s okay. I read it in The New York Times. I know what’s going on.”

2. The Internet: Be sure to devote at least 30 minutes of each day to digging out the latest scoop from the farthest recesses of the Internet. Anything from Reddit, Buzzfeed, Slate, Tumblr and Twitter counts as a viable piece of information. Overwhelm your friends with the vast amounts of low-quality, useless knowledge you have, and whenever anyone should question the veracity of your statements, just reply, “No, really. I read an article about it on the Internet. It was really long and detailed and stuff.”

3. Check out Amazon’s list of most popular books once a month. Read the reviews, and then just echo the most pretentious one whenever someone, such as a college interviewer, asks you what books you’ve read recently. This works really well, especially if you have already indicated that you would like to be an English major and that reading books is a particular passion of yours.