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Marlborough School Shutdown

Photo by Isabel '14.
Photo by Isabel ’14.

Imagine a world where all the Marlborough School faculty and staff decide to go on strike, and the School shuts down. The reason for the shutdown? A radical change in the faculty and staff dress code with a strict “professional wear” revision supplemented by the elimination of Casual Fridays. (Oh, the irony if this were to come to pass!) Let’s call it a Marlborough School Shutdown. Would Marlborough students survive? Probably not. Let us analyze the factors.

Location: Marlborough is located in a metropolitan area. Though a good portion of the students have gone through self defense (quite an important class, I might add), Marlborough girls would be no match to a crowd of crazies who got word that Marlborough’s gates were open without any form of security. Imagine this however you may like.

Housekeeping: Marlborough girls are worse at cleaning up after themselves than irritable four-year-olds who smear spaghetti sauce on furniture to get attention. Why is this an issue, you might wonder? Everyone would most likely be dead within two hours due to extraneous mold growing out of someone’s pile of leftover lunch, dirty PE socks and an unfinished biology lab. If everyone did not die instantly, disinfectant would be a necessity to carry around to prevent acquiring some sort of immune system breakdown due to a lack of cleanliness.

Anxiety: Marlborough girls have enough anxiety to set off a nuclear bomb. Even if there are no important deadlines or life-deciding midterms approaching, Marlborough students find something to be anxious about. If the teachers left, every student would go through an abandonment crisis. Seniors would sit in mounds, crying, wondering how Co-Directors of College Counseling Michael Heeter and Monica DePriest could disregard their needs during the dark times known as the college application process. Seventh graders, already exposed to the anxiety bug, would regret coming to Marlborough, wondering why they didn’t just go to a “normal school” where they could take it easy.

Classes: At first, freedom would seem like the best thing that ever happened to Marlborough. Upper schoolers would lay out on the field getting tans, listening to the latest Lorde album. Middle schoolers would run around attempting intricate flip and tumble routines because they still seem to possess that kind of energy.

It would all be lovely and carefree until we realize that it is not possible to get into college if you spend your teenage years chilling on your school’s vacant campus. Girls would text their tutors, begging them to come and teach Ancient and Pre-Modern Civilization Honors. Khan Academy and Online School for Girls videos would be projected in every classroom. Girls would stand on tables, passionately relating existentialism to one of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s poems. Council members would hack teachers’ computers, downloading tests and quizzes to take. Girls would end up giving themselves more homework than Doc might on a bad night.

Café M: Need I say more? By the end of the shutdown, the School would be in shambles. Girls would raid the kitchen, trying to mimic “Mexican food Wednesday.” Stoves would explode. Sinks would be flooded. Food poisoning would be an epidemic on campus.

If you are a student reading this, take a look around. Notice the (relative) peace surrounding you. You can thank the faculty and staff for that. If you are a Marlborough employee, realize you have major authority over the general well-being of the students. Use it wisely.  