As I sat around earlier today pondering the meaning of life and other existential questions– specifically, Who am I?, Where do I come from?, What does it all mean? (Internal monologue script erroneously credited to Heathers, where most good things originate), I stumbled across a new quandary, one that has induced more literal head-scratching, figurative beard-tugging, and proverbial floating question marks than any before:
“What food wouldn’t I eat if paid to eat it?”
To clarify, this is not a question of how bribable I am, though in case anybody is wondering, the answer is very. What, you didn’t like that last sentence? Gimme $10, I’ll see what I can do about it.
No, this philosophical conundrum really comes down to how tough my stomach is and how calm/collected/immune my taste buds are. Let’s leap into the nitty gritty of this puzzle.
Rule 1 (which implies that I’m making a list, which I’m not, it’s actually just one rule, aren’t you sad I got you all jazzed up for a listicle?): I’m a vegetarian. Sorry to be such a Grade A Brentwood gal, but them’s the breaks. Fun fact, I used to call people who eat meat barbarians. I really just thought that that’s what they were called. Clearly an example of excellent private pre-school education at its finest. Funnier still is that my mom, who’s also a vegetarian, quietly but aggressively encouraged me to keep this term in my vocab.
So here’s what I can come up with that I would in fact put on my tongue(wait, I am making a list! You will not leave this page without thoroughly slaking your thirst for a multi-numbered, cutely bullet-pointed specimen of journalism):
© Belly button lint
© Pee (and let’s not quibble over whether you can technically “eat” pee or not)
© The legendary Mad Dog Hot Sauce.
© A jar of toothpicks.
© My great aunt’s radish dip. If you knew my great aunt and her cooking, this bullet point would be one hell of a throwdown.
© A Patatje Oorlog which is… I don’t know. Something weird.
© My own tears (produced after an AP Physics B assessment)
You think you can do better? Comment below.