By Allie ’12
You’ve always wondered how the English Department got to be so distinctive, and now I am here to give you the top-secret creed of its entire existence. Here are the commandments bestowed upon all teachers as they are sworn into the Department (obviously after the ritual reciting of all of Beowulf in Olde English which takes over thirty hours).
1. The subtext is always Freudian.
2. Sweater-vest, tweed, glasses: picketh two.
3. It is always the right time to bringeth up the Garden of Eden.
4. A’s are not to be ubiquitous and should always be written in pencil.
5. A good omen: every student is blushing.
6. A student’s casual use of the word ‘zeitgeist’ shall not impress thee (even when it’s Allie Pearl).
7. Casual Friday will not suppress thy classy footwear.
8. A student is never wrong to despiseth The Scarlet Letter, only unenlightened.
9. One ellipsis is more than enough… however cool they may seem…
10. Nothing is more delightful than a clear, concise thesis (except fine cheese and page numbers).
11. Thine own seed are destined to be more brilliant than students who are twice their age.
12. A bad topic sentence is the greatest sin. Besides run-ons.
13. Never acknowledgeth the SmartBoard.
14. A smirk is acceptable only when a student identifies with Holden Caulfield.
15. Never strayeth from the chair when teaching, for thou shalt surely lose thy train of thought.
16. It is impossible to sound too blasé when talking about love. Or death.
17. A personal story is not a digression when it is your own. All student stories are off-topic.
18. “Goblin Market” is the ultimate test of thy maturity. Do not fail.
19. Suppress thy cringe when Shakespeare is read aloud in a Monotone
20. Segué from pre-class chatter to last night’s reading with reverence to the Lord, thy Norton.
21. Be fruitful and multiply thy hand gestures into an art form.
22. A bad omen: thy student’s sentence begins with “I feel like…”
23. Touring parents shall always enter the room at the start of an uncomfortable conversation.
24. In times of literary confusion and woe, a drawing on the board shall bring all back into the fold.
25. The lesson plan should be so flexible that everyone, even thine own self, should suspect it does not quite exist.