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Christmas vs. Hannukah: The Final Showdown

Christmas trees trump all! Photo by flickr user wolfsavard.

Well folks, ‘tis the season to be jolly. And boy, am I ready to be jolly. When all of this exam business is over, I’m getting out of town and onto a relaxing beach in Maui faster than you can say, “report cards.” But which holiday best suits my merry-making mood? Which celebration is truly the biggest and bestest? As a good little Jewish girl, I have been instructed all of my life that Hannukah is the best; it’s got the latkes, the dreidels, the latkes, the eight nights, the latkes, the gelt (money made out of chocolate), and of course, the latkes. Also, what other religion teaches three-year-olds to gamble?

Let’s take a look at what Christmas has to offer. A heaping of presents, reindeer, carols, twinkle lights, and oh yeah, a fat guy that comes down chimneys. How does he even do that? I weigh at least 100 pounds less than him (or I did, before Thanksgiving struck), and I can’t even fit up one of those things. Yes, I have tried. Yes, there are pictures. No, you may not see them.

Alright, I know, Hannukah isn’t making such a good show for itself. Our traditions are pretty dull and devoid of sparkly baubles (unless you acquire a glitter dreidel, like myself). In fact, to try and combat this image of the Jewish holiday being more boring than writing mathematical proofs, the young, hip generation of Jews has tried to make a series of YouTube videos that show how cool the celebration can be. Leave it to Jews to rhyme the words “assail” and “avail”.

So, when it comes down to it, who wins? Okay, I think we both know the answer. Even as a master of rhetoric, I’m out of defenses for my tired holiday celebration. Bring on the little lambs and mangers, baby.

According to politically-correct school boards across the country, however, neither event is “better” than the other. Schools have gone to lengthy measures to ensure that not a single person has their feelings hurt, even the people who celebrate the rather obscure Kwanzaa. Christmas trees may no longer be Christmas trees; instead, they are the non-specific, non-offensive “holiday bushes”.  Christmas concerts have been reduced to the vaguely pagan “Winter Shows,” as if we were celebrating the drop of the mercury on a thermostat, rather than the story of Jesus (that’s about as much of a reference as I can make to the tale, partly because of my minimal knowledge on the subject, partly because I can almost hear my grandpa’s teeth grinding all the way up in Canada).

So I would make a final plea to schools across the country. When it comes down to it, Christmas is just more fun. I know it, you know it, and it doesn’t hurt my feelings—I get eight nights of presents, so I’m not feeling cheated. Go ahead and put up a Christmas tree, place a cardboard Santa in front of the cafeteria, and grab those reindeer antlers. When I want to get into the holiday mood, Christmas is where it’s at.