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Allie Presents: Bickering 101

By Allie ’12

You may in your life, at some point, get into an argument and re­alize halfway through that you are wrong. If this should ever happen to you, or has happened to you, or is happening to you, or you can re­alistically see this happening, you are in luck. I am the sensei of argu­ing, beating dead horses, “having words,” and most of all, winning when I’m losing. And I’m about to di­vulge my best tactics. Yes, these are the tactics that got me through the Loyalist and anti-feminism teams for those notorious 7th Grade history class debates, leading heated Eng­lish class arguments about Okonk­wo in 8th Grade, and even winning a dispute over how to pronounce the word “volatile”. Here are four fool­proof strategies that will get you out of ever admitting that you are wrong and as a bonus make the moron who picked a fight regret ever trying to disagree with you.

1) Repeat the last few words of your opponent in increasing disbelief and anger, no matter what.

“Women deserve the right to earn equal wages.”“Women deserve the right to earn equal wages?!”“Yes.”“Yes!?”“You’re an idiot.”“I’m an idiot?!”

2) Stop talking about the subject of dispute, fashion a knowing smile on your face and make it about the other person.

“Okonkwo did not deserve to die. He was a tragic victim!”“Oh…I get it.”“What?”“No, don’t worry about it. I get it. I totally get it now. This is about you.”“No it isn’t! This is about Okonkwo, you imbecile!”“Hey, it’s okay. Calm down. I understand. You are a victim. I get it. I’m here for you.”

3) After a while, become speechless at your opponent’s stupidity. Keep opening your mouth as if you have something brilliant to say, and then close it as if this person is not worth your time. Walk away a few steps, walk back, repeat mouth movement. Exhale in disgust and judgment. Rub your eyes or forehead, look at him or her one more time, then walk away for real. Be “the bigger man.”

4) This last tactic is only to be used in an emergency. If you have ex­hausted the three previous options and you have no out, then it is time to pull out this final, deadly weap­on, known as the “Chop S.U.I.H.Y.” If you ever feel that observing an expert might help you understand how to use this tool wisely, feel free to contact Andie’12.

“So, you are saying that we should con­tinue to pay these ridiculous taxes to King George, let British soldiers sleep in our homes and let the British ignore our cries for justice? Get some Common Sense!”“Shut up, I hate you.”